I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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