Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
