I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
