no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
