Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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