I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I love having hate sex.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
