His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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