i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
