What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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