She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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