Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
