we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
