Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
