i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
