you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
