fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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