So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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