tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
