I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
