sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
