Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
