I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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