Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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