So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
