Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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