whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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