I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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