Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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