he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
