There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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