you guys were way drunker than both of me
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
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