I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
