Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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