take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
