If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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