Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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