His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
