I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
