I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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