trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
