I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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