Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
