this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
