I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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