woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
