at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
