i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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