I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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