Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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