I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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