Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
please come you make the beer taste better
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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