Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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