i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
