Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
