OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
