Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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