Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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