Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
