dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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